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might i add, “you’re so black and white!” : ishootwindows, torbakhopper san francisco (2013)

December 4, 2013 on 10:31 pm | In Dream Come True | 4 Comments

recently a past lover i know recontacted me out of the blue… except that it was on the day that would’ve been our two-year anniversary.

but instead of being friendly, he acted like a hollywood producer who was pitching a screenplay.

unfortunately, the screenplay was about our past together, which has apparently been rewritten and updated to include a myriad of thoughts and ideas that a therapist has "added" and "revised accordingly for interpretive value." i feel genuinely left out of the process, lol (what the hell!? we’ve been broken up for 15 months!!)

on the russell brand X valentine’s day show, he had a guest therapist who has developed strategies for erasing people’s memories of people they love. it was quite interesting.

the therapist chose a woman out of the audience and spent about 15 minutes offstage reconditioning her memory by blurring her visual picture of the man she loved. the fact that the man she loved was already married and cheating on his wife and kids may seem irrelevant, but it might also explain why these techniques are particularly useful on certain profile types :-)

anyway, i had no idea that these skills were being used by therapists, as the use of this kind of black magick is forbidden in all ancient societies and mostly in ours as well. this is a brave leak!

people fear brainwashing as much as they’ve been taught to cringe and twitch at the word "nazi".

anyway, my first response to this wonderful man’s new interpretations about our past relationship, of course, was to take his views seriously.

for awhile, there was a large part of me that really questioned these new possibility — could our story be somehow grievously different than i’d imagined? were these newly collected reflections of genuine worth? had he, through assistance, stumbled on something real?

ultimately, i think one of my greatest character flaws is trusting other people’s criticism. i really take it in and let it roll over me because i’m not afraid of changing or becoming "better". we all need help and have failings and weaknesses. but one has to draw the line somewhere and wake up all the sleeping children in the burning house — it’s so much easier to direct children where to go instead of having to carry them, so the sooner they wake up, the better!!!

anyway, back to the hollywood producer…

can i just say that people who use "therapists" to resolve their issues with third parties, need to really think about the translation quality of what they are proposing?

and perhaps more importantly, maybe they should consider how it might sound to someone who is on the outside of that inner pow-wow of protected and unchallenged theorizing and revisioning. after all, those whiffs of suspicion and malign that revisionistic theorizing and agenda-driven memory recreation when examining the past can be totally overwhelming — especially if you decidedly choose to leave out central facts that would hinder the process, thereby speeding up the black magick effect through omission.

sadly for all of us, black magick, thrives in the selfish heart alone, waiting to propagate itself by using its new agent for unconsidered harms. the agent makes a devil’s pact and invariably the black magick has its way through some form of deceptive trickery, which stains the user/agent. basically black magick is super harmful radiantly charged mental power that always goes awry of the user/agent’s intentions. that’s why it’s called black magick — it hurts everyone involved.

but let’s return to the therapist seance…

when you’re with a therapist, it can feel very rewarding to have a person whose sole goal is to help you solve your problems. however, this paradigm creates a false sense of intelligence or emotional gain — what feels like a breakthrough in a protected room without contesting opinions, may actually be a yawning plunge into the abyss of continued denial. the sheltering effect of the black magick space doesn’t actually exist outside in the real world, especially if the omission of relevant information is grossly inaccurate. together, the patient and the therapist seek to craft a spell of individual success based on intentional misinformation and imbalanced considerations.

and this has typically always been the danger of witch doctors who work for cash!!!! under false pretenses and guided by money, they will help concoct, enable, and disseminate whatever suits their own personal interests as one who is performing witch doctory :-)

one time, way back in 2000, i was dating a giant man. emotionally, he was a 9 out of 10 but he’d lost his previous partner to AIDS and the whole ordeal had really fuckt him up. we’d tried to make it work but we were on different pages. so we had smoothly broken up over lunch one afternoon and decided to be friends.

or at least that’s what we had agreed to do.

however, he invited me out to dinner two nights later and acted like we hadn’t talked. instead, he launched into this strange speech and at the points where i was supposed to interject, i just had no idea what he was talking about and couldn’t respond. but i finally caught on — he was "breaking up with me".

i was boundlessly confused. i thought we had broken up. and it got so strange and quirky that i finally looked at him and said, "are you being serious about any of this? i’m totally confused, i thought we had broken up."

but now, after having several relationships where the act of "breaking up" takes place, i feel more advanced in this social realm.

here’s what i’ve learned:

if you break up with someone, it’s best not to see them for two years. especially if you broke their heart.
people with broken hearts need time to recollect their pieces and find out who the fk they are. it’s just natural.
any sightings or contact with the previous loved one can send them into ridiculous tail spins and crash their plane. so, to be kind, it’s best to have no interaction with a person who has a broken heart because of you.

second, if you do have contact, expect to be dumped over and over again by them. this is their method for reestablishing their egos. it is necessary for them to feel powerful and strong in the face of being dumped by another person — it is a serious form of personal rejection, after all. lashing back, though childish, is completely normal behavior for the broken hearted who have not started to mend and recreate their life.

third, be brave about breaking up. don’t sit around dropping hints or wishing some kind of disaster would be the catalyst you need. and don’t fking sleep with someone else to morally humiliate yourself into telling your partner that you don’t belong together. be a man or a woman of boldness and lay it on the line.

fourth, then follow rule number one again.

and don’t believe a previous lover who acts like they are over it if they use insulting language to assure you of their status. it’s just not true, they are lying to themselves.

when someone is over you that you’re already over, you’ll know it. everything you like about them will still be present and showing, but the past will be securely placed in the past and you can be friends again. sure signs that someone is not over you are the "negs" as they are called. "negs" are flirting techniques that use stinging insults and flattery simultaneously. a neg can be compiled easily by combining two thoughts. usually, in the case of the brokenhearted, the neg will have a compliment preceded or followed by an insult. the neg part of the comment stands out because the grammatology of the sentence is designed to showcase it over the compliment.

here is an example: "i really miss you, but we’re so much better apart."

here’s a more complicated example, but quite delicious: "i really thought you be happy to hear that i’m over my obsession with you."
i stole this one from a saturday night live sketch ;)

if you had ACTUAL chemistry with the person (ah, so few of you probably even know what i’m talking about, lashed into chemistry-less relationships for any number of other reasons…), forget about it. you’ll never really get over each other cuz your bodies are stronger than your minds. true, this is one in ten relationships, even though every one dreams about it.

lastly, to my hollywood producer/past lover, you have so many great things about you. i’m bummed that you can’t see all of that and stand separately and proud and true. you are so handsome when you do.
i’m sorry if i broke your heart and i’m sorry that i still love you because i know it would be easier on you if i didn’t.
but i do.
i always will.
two years will go by quite quickly now that we’re old.
i hope to see you then :-)


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  1. Wow! So much to ponder. There are therapists who are professional, grounded, and genuinely based in reality as to their methods of assisting their clients to radically accept situations and learn how to cope with them in a healthy way. However, without being provided with the whole story, as some clients deliberately paint without the color of truth and others have such cognitive distortions that they don’t know the truth, a therapist has to create a construct of the situation that by its very nature will miss the mark.

    I don’t expect a therapist to solve my problems. I expect a therapist to guide me through the process of dealing with reality, difficulties, and joyful situations, too. I expect a therapist to teach me how to fish, not to cook me up a movie about a fish dinner. LOL.

    Your meeting with this person seems a little surreal. I would be wondering, "Were we in the same room when all of this happened? Were we present at the same events?" I realize everybody views things through a different lens of experience, often times smeared and dirtied up from baggage but there should be SOME correlation and harmonizing of stories.

    On the other hand, there have been therapists who create "false memories." That’s just wrong.

    You’ve got some pretty practical rules for break-ups. Mmm, maybe a producer should make a movie and call it "The Break-up." Oh, wait…that title’s been taken already.

    Comment by Franchise — December 4, 2013 #

  2. good stuff, fran.
    i like the way your mind processes.

    i’m not big on talk therapy if it replaces active engagement with reality.
    having a "coach" in any form is a money exchange situation and corruption is the "hook, line and sinker" in this case. sad, but until people are helping one another for free, it’s really just one stranger paying another stranger money for something or nothing.

    i don’t know how i feel about recasting things in retrospect. for me, i feel like when a wounded player wants to distend memory or past circumstance, the easiest person to do that with is a therapist. and because there is a monetary exchange, the client does expect something in return. there is a genuine sense of intelligent indebtedness because it’s transactionally difficult to measure invisible value.

    it’s in a therapist’s best interest to help their clients/patients learn to help themselves, but "curing" someone is rarely what happens. in my life path, what i’ve seen is that the client/patients just become attached to the notion of talk therapy as a constant solve. it’s like hiring a personal trainer because you’re too lazy to cogitate your own effective workout.

    Comment by torbakhopper — December 4, 2013 #

  3. I just spent an hour with Jillian Michaels. I suppose I could have watched her exercise video and eaten a tub of ice cream but I actually did the workout. She’s my impersonal personal trainer and I DO get a really effective workout. ;-)

    Comment by Franchise — December 4, 2013 #

  4. you know, beach body.com is a totally awesome and fun way to exercise as well if you haven’t discovered that avenue!!
    don’t we all secretly wish we could afford to have personal trainers, therapists and intravenous food tubes :-)

    oh, and i should add that talk therapy is of most value when confronting upcoming or new challenges, instead of filtering through the imaginary past and concocting perspectives — though recreations of the past are among of the hideous joys and benefits of talk therapy…

    Comment by torbakhopper — December 4, 2013 #

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