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Where Do The Marshmellows Grow?

May 4, 2014 on 8:35 am | In Processing Dreams | 22 Comments

The funny thing is that they don’t even grow in marshes I heard.

Why the hell do they call them ‘marshmellows’ then?

The ‘mellow’ part is obvious.

But apparently they got nothin’ to do with marshes.

I learned that cranberries grow in bogs though.

And tapioca comes from the inside of trees.

Life is a strange journey like that.

I’m always askin’ myself questions.

I question everything.

I wonder about so much shit.

I was the worst kid like that but my parents were always cool with it.

They knew that once I started askin’ questions that I had to have the answer.

When I asked questions about the Sears Tower…

my dad’d take me to see the Building Engineer.

So I could ask him questions.

Did you know that the Sears Tower grows almost eight inches during a period of high tidal pull?

The building engineer told me that.

When we saw a plane crash my dad let me out of the car to go check it out even though I had to walk about six miles home after that.

Something he’d be arrested for today.

That was the day I decided that I had to become a pilot.

Because that pilot was so cool.

I was maybe eight or nine and I had to trek through about a half a mile of muddy field to get to the plane.

By the time I got there the pilot was gettin’ chewed out by his girfriend and duckin’ flyin’ suitcases and stuff.

He was really happy to see me.

I guess I provided a little ‘diversion’ for him and I noticed his girfriend cooled off right away too… I mean she stopped throwin’ shit at him at least…

although she was still pretty pissed about his losing an engine… his only engine… on the way to their vacation.

He showed me the inside of the plane and told me how everything worked.

His girfriend sat on a suitcase with her arms folded lookin’ pissed.

That’s how girfriends can be you know?

Dude saved their ass… glides his powerless plane into a muddy field… avoids the powerlines and barely dents that sweet Beech Bonanza… neither of them gets hurt… the guy’s a freakin’ hero…

and she’s all mad at him.

‘We should’ve just drove’ I heard her say… ‘I told you we should have driven.’

If she knew just what he’d done right there… by the time I arrived on the scene she’d have been making voracious love to the guy or otherwise demonstrating her affection for him in a more romantic way.

Bonanza’s are known to glide like a brick when the engine quits.

Her boyfriend done good.

Another hundred feet and he’d have plowed it into a treeline.

I think he deserved a real and sincere and generous ‘atta boy’ at least.

‘If this plane’s a rockin’ don’t come knockin’

She shoudda showed old boy some ferocious love right there I’m telling you.

Then I would have decided to become a pilot the next day.

‘Mom, dad… I’m dropping out of school to become a pilot’ I can see myself saying.

‘But you’re only in the fourth grade’ my mom would say.

‘It’s been my lifelong dream.’

I thought that guy was so cool… I mean… he just crashed a plane and he was talkin’ to me.

He did everything right because he kept his cool.

The only thing he didn’t do right is deal with the girlfriend properly but I didn’t know that then.

Of course now I understand that the proper reaction to the girlfriend would have been to say something like…

‘baby… I know that I’ve just saved us from certain fiery death and everything… but revelling in the moment would be selfish… and even though I’m totally pumped up and all jacked on adrenaline I can feel the emotional disconnect growing between us at the moment… which saddens me more than I’m probably letting on because of all of this excitement… and I really just want to reassure you that I love you and I care about you more than anything in the world… I want you to know that you are the most beautiful woman in the world to me… even sitting on a suitcase in a muddy field after we just crashed in a plane because of my arrogance and stupidity… that I’m sorry that the airplane’s engine quit… you didn’t deserve to be put through this… you deserve to be flown around in a plane that’s taken care of by a more competent mechanic… and I chose aircraft mechanics poorly and in a way that wasn’t considerate of you… I was wrong… I feel like I let you down… and I don’t like how that makes me feel inside… when the airplane’s engine quit my first thought was you… I was scared that I could lose you… I wanted to discuss how you were feeling inside right then and there but I had to fly the plane… I promised myself that the second we survived this crash that I’d address these issues together with you… that’s why I’m talking to you now… because I’m keeping that promise that I made with myself… I didn’t like how the whole episode made me feel… and it made me feel powerless and vulnerable and I’m going to need time to deal with those issues on my own… and I promise to reach out to a professional for help if I have to… I can understand why you’re angry and you’re right… we should have just driven… I should have listened to you… because every time I fuck up royally it’s you that’s there to tell me what I should have done… and I know it’s because you love me and it comes from a good place in your heart… it’s because you care… not just because you want to change me… I’ll take life more seriously from now on I promise and I want you to know that I’m totally focused on your emotions at the moment if you need to talk about it… just know that I am completely emotionally available to you at this very second… I’m sorry baby… I don’t even care if that piece of shit plane burns with all our luggage in it and I promise to kick that mechanic’s ass next time I see him… I’m just glad that you’re alright… this plane crash has changed me for the better and it’s made me look at everything differently… I feel like a whole new man… I’m so grateful to have you in my life… I promise you that as soon as we get home I will start thinking about all of that shit around the house you’ve been telling me to fix… and I really hope that as we grow old together we look back on this crazy little moment as something that we can laugh about… something that brought us closer together… and made our love stronger… who’s my hot little copilot huh… you are… c’mere you sexy little love nugget… somebody looks like they need a big hug.’

I think that covers all the bases.

Then… just to go the extra mile and because I’m a romantic at heart…

I would have walked back to the plane… grabbed the radio microphone and said loudly enough that she could hear me…

‘Midway Tower this is Beechcraft yadda yadda yadda… I just made that mayday call… I just want you to know that the most beautiful woman on earth… the love of my life and I are on the ground safe and sound… and that I was wrong and I should have listened to her… we’ll be driving next time… over.’

‘Roger that Beech yadda yadda yadda… we’re glad you’re safe and goodluck with the girlfriend… hope you didn’t FUBAR that’ I can imagine the tower would respond.

They should put that in the ‘post crash checklist’ under ‘dealing with your wife/girlfriend after the crash.’

Shit… they should have ‘pilot type’ checklists for girlfriends and wives.

Damn… I could make some money with that idea.

Laminated… with index tabs and everything… bullet pointed issues to address… key words to say over and over again and a sample script tested on female focus groups and approved by psychiatrists, marriage counselors, therapists and divorce attorneys for every scenario.

Things NEVER to say highlighted in red.

Every guy would need a copy of that.

Dealing with womankind without it’d be like flyin’ by the seat of your pants.

My instructor always said… ‘no matter how crazy it gets… stick with the checklist… when the shit hits the fan your head’s gonna be up your ass.’

And he was right.

That dude crashed eight times… flew like a madman-kamikaze wanna be… smoked a pack of Pall Mall filterless cigarettes a day… half of them in the cockpit with me where he’d fall asleep with them burning in his mouth… he drank whiskey straight like water… married an ex-nun and lived to almost ninety.

Lenny Prorok you were the best pilot I’ve ever known and certainly the most fearless.

You did things with airplanes that God, physics and the Wright Brothers never intended… and the FAA certainly objected to.

I miss you.

The guy knew what he was talking about.

If I ever doubted him he’d pull out his original pilots license and show it to me… pointing out that it was signed on the back by Wilber Wright.

Every good argument in the cockpit always seemed to end with ‘see this… this is Orville Wright’s gahdamned signature!’

The guy used to hit me in the cockpit if I messed up.

We flew through some crazy skies together me and that old bird.

Crankiest mofo I ever met.

But the dude could fly.

Man could he fly.

He proved to me that he could land a Cessna 152 in a football field once.

The little move he pulled at the end ‘to clear the goal posts’ he said… that was some scary ass flying.

Wing on a ‘knife edge’ in the craziest sideslip I’ve ever seen ten feet above the ground with the stall warning horn screamin’ as loud as I ever heard it.

That manuever had a ‘pucker factor’ of eleven and it probably took a week for my cajones to relax enough to come out of my esophagus.

I thought that was the end.

Pilots like to use acronyms and rhymes to remember stuff.

I stick with ‘BISYWaR’… busywar… it works in every situation… BISYWaR is an acronym for ‘Baby I’m Sorry You Were Right.’

The little ‘a’ doesn’t mean anything… it’s kinda just thrown in there to make the acronym more ‘wordlike’ and memorable.

The acronym makes sense too.

You don’t use it at the right time… you’re gonna be busy at war.

Put that in your mental pocket guys… right next to the place where you have instant and total recall of the date of your anniversary.

And don’t just use it a lot… use it every chance you get… make it a goal.

No… make it a ‘lifestyle.’

The secret to the phrase’s success is its simplicity and its honesty.

Sometimes a guy is sorry.

Sometimes a guy is sorry his girl is right.

Either way.

I’ve learned since then that women are far more complex than any flying machine ever built.

Even helicopters.

Sittin’ in the pilots seat as the pilot finished gettin’ all of their stuff outta the plane I wondered how I’d have done in the same situation…

would I have kept my cool I wondered…

would I have done everything just right so we could walk away from the ‘forced landing?’

I’m as curious about myself as I am about the world.

It’s all about curiousity I guess.

That’s what it is that I think drives me to get out there and get up close to people on the street.

I’m curious.

I always have been.

I want to know more.

I wanna know about everything.

That’s a good thing I think.

One day I swear I will find out where the marshmellows grow.


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  1. Awesome work! Great portrait my friend!:))

    Comment by Arianna_M(away) — May 4, 2014 #

  2. This is an incredible portrait that match perfectly with your caption!
    do you know what it is tapioca?? this is something typical from my region in Brasil…well maybe it has different meanings for us =)

    Comment by Andrezza Dias Haddaway — May 4, 2014 #

  3. [http://www.flickr.com/photos/obstacle0ne] I think you guys might use it for different things… I’ve always dug tapioca pudding though.

    Now that you’re livin’ in the states you gotta try it.

    It’s just like vanilla pudding really… except it’s got tapioca in it.

    It adds something.

    Like this extra texture.

    It’s a whole ‘nother dimension!

    It’s good stuff girl.

    Cessna November Five Five Four Nine Lima


    I miss you little Four Nine Lima.

    Comment by Viewminder — May 4, 2014 #

  4. vm checklist

    Comment by Viewminder — May 4, 2014 #

  5. Nice work.

    Comment by pretty-nifty — May 4, 2014 #

  6. as always an excellent portrait!!!

    Comment by maktub street-dog — May 4, 2014 #

  7. Have you ever thought about decaf? lol j/k! =O) Awesome story View!

    Comment by TR-Photo — May 4, 2014 #

  8. Thanks Tony!

    I just had the dosage of my ADD medicine adjusted today.

    Do you think I left anything out on what you should tell your wife/girlfriend after the crash?

    Comment by Viewminder — May 4, 2014 #

  9. [http://www.flickr.com/photos/light_seeker] Nah, I think you got it covered!

    Comment by TR-Photo — May 4, 2014 #

  10. It took me forty two years but then I’m a slow learner.


    Why Do I Exist relstionships

    Comment by Viewminder — May 4, 2014 #

  11. To get back to the dude with the amused smirk (top), how is the marshmellow crop this year? I read all through the plane crashin’ stories and the gum chewin’ girlfriend and you never got to the marshmellows! (spell check says that’s not how it’s spelled..whatever.) I think the guy in the pic knows what happened to them, you can tell by the look on his face. You really have to stop being so careful.

    Comment by Snakedoctor's Blues — May 4, 2014 #

  12. How many letters do I have to write to spell check?

    I’ve got a good mind to give the people down at the internet a call.

    Something told me that this guy knew the secret.

    I’ll find out where marshmellows are grown even if Ihave to do a google search to do it.

    A Moment of Peace CHECKLIST

    How much would you pay to have the ‘perfect guy?’

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    That’s why the business end of an aircraft is called a ‘cockpit.’

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    ‘What’s wrong kitten baby peach muffin?’


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    The Luminousity of Love chcklist

    Comment by Viewminder — May 4, 2014 #

  13. "Of course now I understand that the proper reaction to the girlfriend would have been to say something like…" Funniest damn thing ever. Write that checklist and please send a copy to my husband. :)

    Comment by andthatswhenIsnapped! — May 4, 2014 #

  14. We at the Viewminder Relationship Institute believe that with the proper application of science, pavlovian psychology and modified aviation checklist technology that many of the often insurmoutable complexities of the inter-sexual relationship cannot only be demystified, manged and overcome… we believe that with the application of all of that mumbo jumbo that there is a chance that men and women can peacefully co-exist in a mutually beneficial and emotionally profitable manner.

    Here’s some science that we’ve been working on…


    Let’s face it guys… the numbers don’t lie… and science is science… based on this graph I think we can all agree gentlemen that you’ll never succeed in arguing your way into the hot freaky action that you dream of with your wife or girlfriend.

    I’ve thought about this for my entire life.

    And finally I’ve learned the secret.

    You’re not the first guy to go through this.

    Why act like your whacked situation’s any different from any male/female relationship from the beginning of time?

    It’s not.

    At the Viewminder Relationship Institute we’ve distilled the winning principles of science, psychology and feminology ™ down to a format that you can apply, understand and benefit from.

    You’ll both be winners! ™

    After all… you want some smokin’ freaky… and she wants to want to give it to you… more than you could possibly know.

    You just keep saying the wrong thing.

    Time and time again.

    You screw it all up at ‘point a’ and you never get to ‘point b’

    The Viewminder Relationship Institute can help you to achieve success with your woman beyond your wildest dreams.

    Or her wildest dreams.

    But studies prove you’ll never do it ‘thinking like a man.’

    You gotta think like a woman.

    And if you could be doin’ that you probably wouldn’t be attracted to women right?

    That’s where the Viewminder Relationship Institute comes in.

    Thousands of women have volunteered to help us help you.

    Your woman wants you to win her over.

    She’s rooting for you.

    You know she’s on your side if she purchased the Viewminder Relationship Institute deluxe laminated aviation inspired Relationship Checklist.

    She wants you to quit fucking it all up so she can reward you in the way that she’s genetically programmed to reward you big guy.

    And no matter how cool she wants to be with your ass she can’t just violate 200 millenia of human evolution.

    That takes alcohol and you don’t want to depend on that for a better relationship.

    It might seem to work at first but it always backfires.

    And you’ll know that she’s lookin’ out for your ego if she also purchased the slip over cover that makes it look like a motorcycle repair manual just in case your less intelligent and less relationship savvy single buddies see what you’re reading.

    Both men and women have reported that at first the blatant using of our checklist feels ‘awkward’ and we can understand that.

    That’s why it comes with a DVD tutorial complete with role playing excercises for both of you that shows you how to turn the situation around and impress upon your lady that you’re willing to do the work it takes to not screw everything up time and time again with your idiotic answers, your stupid questions, your dumb comments and your innapropriate responses to her most basic of female needs.

    All she’s askin’ is to be listened to, acknowledged as right at all times, accepted as a superior being, admired for her infinite beauty, flawless grace, exquisite cooking skills and her higher intelligence and to be understood for who she really is or who she wants you to think she really is, to be respected without question, never judged, … supported completely both emotionally and financially by a guy so good looking that he has to be gay… who matches clothes and picks out outfits all by himself and who fixes shit around the house by at least the third time she mentions it, every once in a while after the first request and every few years without even being asked, picks out greeting cards like he actually gives a shit, balances her checkbook down to the penny without ever judging her for where she spends her money and his, buys her flowers and jewelry without being guilty of any transgression whatsoever, who knows exactly how to deal with that situation where she looks in the mirror and asks if her ass makes those jeans look fat, reassures her at every turn about every thing, loves her parents, reminds HER of when their anniversary is coming up, a man who does any all yardwork that can’t be performed in short shorts and a halter top, who gets really excited about whatever color she wants to paint the bathroom downstairs this season, who knows there really is a difference between ‘Sunny Afternoon Mint Green and regular Mint Green paint and is willing to talk about it with her even if he has to turn off the tv, a guy that has the magnetism to get her to do things in bed that she swears she’d never done with any other man and would never tell the girls in the bathroom about, a guy all her girlfriends adore and secretly desire even though she knows that ’cause she’s got like a third eye or some shit, who never trash talks those romance novels she reads all the time with Fabio on the cover… and then some more stuff… whatever she wants… whenever she wants it… stuff she don’t even know she wants but he does ’cause he’s so emotionally and psychically in tune with her that he just knows.

    That should be easy right?

    Whether you know it or not you’re makin’ a deal with her buddy…

    she gives it up and you’ve just signed a contract promising her that you’ll provide all those things.

    At one point or another she knows she’s either told you, hinted at, thought of or merely just desired each of those most basic needs of hers be met.

    In her mind you signed on the dotted line with witnesses and then took it to a notary public.

    And even though she knows she settled for Mr. Right Now with your ass she expects you to produce.

    At the risk of sounding negative… I can tell you from personal experience that the ramifications of not producing all that you’ve become contractually obligated to produce are terrifying, alarming, inhumane, violate every principle of civil rights, the entire traditional English system of jurisprudence, the US Constitution, the State of Illinois Civil and Penal Code, the concept of private property as a right, the United Nations treaty that prohibits psychological warfare on civillians, The Geneva Convention and 7/8th of the laws of decency as accepted by most human beings.

    You got no idea what you got yourself into didja?

    Going it alone you ain’t got half a chance tough guy.

    Welcome to the jungle.

    You should be terrified right now.

    You been outnumbered from the start.

    Women know that there’s strength in numbers.

    That’s why they always go to the bathroom together.

    Don’t be afraid to reach out for the help you need brutha.

    At the Viewminder Relationship Institute we’ve done the work for you.

    We know you’re lazy.

    That’s why we knew we had to come up with a system for understanding women that any man could apply with minimal effort and maximum effectiveness.

    Hell… half of the time just REACHING for your Viewminder Relationship aviation inspired laminated checklist solves the problem…

    it shows her that you care… that you’re willing to reach out for help so that you can fathom the unfathomable and understand her and the way that she thinks and more importantly the way that she ‘feels.’

    You’ll both be much more confident and comfortable with your intimate relationship knowing that once and for all the ‘playing field’s’ been levelled.

    Pretty soon you’ll find yourself reaching for your Viewminder Relationship aviation inspired laminated Relationship Checklist even when nothing’s wrong.

    Because after a while she’s gonna associate your reaching for that checklist with the hotness of make-up action.

    It’s that effective.

    And when she feels like you care… like you’re willing to work to make her happy… like you’ll do anything to understand her and her deepest needs as a woman…

    I don’t think I have to tell you about where that will lead.

    You been thinkin’ about that for your whole life too.

    Welcome to a magical place called ‘Shangri-freaky-la.’

    Men… you’ve been making the same basic mistakes for eons.

    Women get together all the time and talk about this stuff…compare notes and discuss all of the mistakes that men make… then they talk all about how they wish men really were… and there’s always one of them that lies all about how freakin’ sensitive and fanfuckingtastic her ‘home handyman’ boyfriend/husband is just to gain the respect, admiration and jealousy of all the other girls because she’s got self esteem issues and lives in a mental ‘lala land’… which is so patently karmically uncool because then your woman comes home all crabby ass and looks at you as an even bigger loser than you are! And you’re the same exact guy that she left sittin’ on the couch fourteen hours ago only you got more Cheeto crumbs on your shirt and you reek of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Like you asked for or deserve any of that action. WTF?

    Men never do anything like that

    You’re an island.

    Aren’t you tired of fighting a losing battle?

    Why keep going it alone when you can have the Viewminder Relationship Institute and its years of expertise and in depth knowledge on your side?

    Don’t you just wanna see what’s behind ‘Door Number 2?’

    Your woman wants you to… she really wants to… she was tellin’ all of the girls in the bathroom that at the Institute… the one with the one way mirror where we can actually record and analyze the conversations that women have when they go to the bathroom together… she just ain’t gonna give you the key… she’s gonna make you work to get through that door… it’s in the ‘genetic programming.’

    Genetic programming so complex and explosively unstable and emotionally fractalized that it took our Commodore 64000 Supercomputer almost two and a half days to crack the code even with our staff using it for more nefarious and unapproved uses that are frowned upon by the very tenents of the Geneva Convention.

    I’ll be sure to send you a prototype once we’re up and running Ash!

    We also believe… and studies show… that the male mind is most vividly influenced by three forms of communication… naked women… comics… and short and to the point videos in the ‘beer commercial’ format and we think the skillfull juxtaposition of these kinds of media into our Relationship Checklists is one of the keys to our success in the reprogramming of the male mind…


    Notice the males response to the situation… outlined on page 306 of our checklist… under the tab ‘Woman Builds Barbedwire Barricades/ Installs Booby Traps in the House’… it’s very appropriate… somewhat supportive… totally unhostile and it begs the female to open up dialogue.

    We think it’s the perfect thing for a guy to say in this circumstance.

    That response tested the very highest in all of our experiments.

    It checked out very well within our focus group studies and was backed up by the marriage counselors, the psychiatrists and the divorce attorneys as the perfect response to the situation.

    Also on page 306 in BOLD RED LETTERS (which indicate that one should never say this) the male is warned never to say ‘what’s your problem’ or ask ‘is there something wrong’ after he has observed the female fortifying the domestication or installing booby traps… but rather to ‘assume’ that there is something wrong and that in fact he is to blame for it.

    He can then go to the ‘apologies’ section and find the appropriate apology for any occaision.

    At the Viewminder Relationship Institute we’re not just all about getting your dumb ass outta trouble…

    we want you to know where you went wrong.

    Because that’s where most men go wrong.

    Once they’re off the hotseat they stop thinking about it… they never identify where they actually screwed up and they doom themselves to repeat it next time the circumstances line up the same way.

    That’s why we’ve included and entire section of flow charts designed to help you back track to where the problem really began.

    By the time you’re in the thick of it you’ve probably all but forgotten about how she caught you all checkin’ out that chicks ass at the bar last weekend.

    And you said ‘what… I wasn’t looking at her ass honey’ when you could have said the perfect thing which was to admit you were caught… that you were wrong and compliment your woman at the very same time.

    ‘Too bad they don’t give out a prize for second best looking ass in this bar baby.’

    But you didn’t say that.

    And you thought you were outta the water and in the clear on that one.


    Our flowcharts will help you go back in time to what you thought was just a little screw up and see how and where it became amplified into a complex threat to everything you want as a man.

    When in doubt or time for critical analysis is lacking we suggest sticking to the BISYWaR approach…

    ‘Baby I’m Sorry You Were Right.’

    Studies prove it to be very effective… and even when it’s not it can buy the male precious time to thumb through our flowcharts and figure out exactly where he screwed up.

    I really think we’ve got something here Ash!

    I think we can help the sexes come back together and find the love that they deserve!

    Why make all of the mistakes yourself like I did… when you can let other people’s bad experiences help you?

    I want to put my years of experience saying stupid and inappropriate shit, making poor choices and bombing at personal relationships to work for you!

    You don’t need to learn the hard way with scientificly formulated relationship aids by the Viewminder Relationship Institute.

    We take our checklist design and development very seriously at the Viewminder Relationship Institute…


    We even have checklists to help us design our aviation inspired Relationship Checklists.

    Here’s an example of how we’ve adapted the hierarchical structure of the flight crew in aviation to be a model for a working and functional male/female relationship…

    all you have to do is substitute the word ‘WOMAN’ wherever it says ‘PILOT’ and insert ‘MAN’ wherever it says ‘CO-PILOT’ and insert the term ‘CUT OFF’ where it says ‘GROUNDED’ and you’ll see the genius in the approach of the Viewminder Relationship Institute…

    It’s not like we’re reinventing the wheel here… we’re just simplifying the approach in a way thats understandable to the male mind.


    Comment by Viewminder — May 4, 2014 #

  15. Your photo screams Photographer !!!
    Thank you for sharing with us


    Comment by jacquemart — May 4, 2014 #

  16. A lot of relationship advice these days is as nutso as some of the relationships I’ve had the misfortune to analyze.

    How in the world anyone called this ‘The Healthy Relationships’ anything I’ll never know!

    No Slide Title v2

    If you put the little ‘x’ in any of these boxes… I dunno… you might wanna rethink things a little.

    If you put the little ‘x’ in all of these boxes you don’t need to be in that relationship… you need to call 911.


    Quit reading this and do it.

    At the Viewminder Relationship Institute we’d call this the ‘Hostage Checklist’ or the ‘Human Trafficking’ checklist.

    These aren’t the kind of relationships that we deal with at the Institute.

    We specialize in taking the mediocre and passionateless relationships that you’ve ‘settled’ on into the realm of intimate and fiery passion like you’ve never believed could be possible.

    Many of our clients have even reported fantacizing about their real life actual spouse again!

    The Love Begins When You Stop Saying Stupid Shit Dude ™

    Comment by Viewminder — May 4, 2014 #

  17. Hahahaha!! I think this is your best post ever!

    Comment by ~ cynthiak ~ — May 4, 2014 #

  18. You know I’m all about the love girl… thank you… and I just hope… I mean my deepest hope really is that my experiences can help bring people together and feel the love.

    That’s why I made up the ‘Viewminder Relationship Institute.’

    We’ve studied everything that blows up relationships… that makes dating a drag… we’ve interviewed hundreds of women who have sworn off of men for eternity… and dozens of stupified emotionally damaged men who said ‘I don’t know what I did to deserve this man.’

    We’ve learned a few things.

    Our goal is to get women to understand men as much as it is to get men to quit saying stupid shit.

    And doing stupid shit.

    Around women at least.

    Because men have a ‘genetic program’ too… which mandates the doing of stupid shit.

    That’s what all your guy friends she can’t stand are for.

    And why she lets you out into the garage every once in a while.

    And celebrate the Fourth of July.

    There’s a great ‘disconnect’ between the sexes and how they think… men and women have different ‘internal mental operating systems.’

    Here’s a common pitfall that we’ve discovered that most men NEVER see coming.

    Because they’re men.

    It’s about duct tape.

    Something men have a real love for.

    But here’s what weve found in our extensive research on the female mind…

    Whenever a woman repeatedly asks a guy to fix something… over and over… again and again like a broken record… I don’t care what it is… the chance that she has actually envisioned her man fixing it with duct tape?

    Zero percent.

    I don’t care how masterfully you’ve finally fixed said problem with your expert application of the miracle adhesive covered waterproof and windproof phoenominon known as ‘duct tape’…

    or ‘duck tape’ as chicks call it…

    It doesn’t matter how proud you are of yourself.

    Your girl is not going to be impressed.

    She’s gonna think you’re the biggest idiot when you show her what you’ve done and that’s gonna hurt your feelings.

    Because you’ll be vulnerable when you figured you were gonna get an ‘attaboy’ and instead she gives you the ‘putrid look of disgust’ or ‘PLOD.’

    You are now at ‘DEFCON 11′… ‘Situation Critical.’

    Your next move… the very next thought in your head… the first thing that comes out of your mouth is ‘make or break.’

    And when your feelings are hurt tough guy…

    That’s when you need the Viewminder Relationship Institute’s laminated aviation inspired checklist the most.

    It’s so much cheaper than one of those couches that folds out into a bed.

    If you want to enjoy the many and varied benefits of women then you’re gonna hafta accept a few hard facts.

    She will never love and admire duct tape as much as you and your buddies do.

    She will never brag about how it held your car together on the last 1600 miles of a transcontinental road trip leaving you more money for beer.

    Keep your love and advanced knowledge of duct tape between you and your buddies where that love can be shared and cherished by men who know the miracle that duct tape is.

    This is the kinda stuff that we do every day at the Relationship Institute.

    We’re saving you the pain and discomfort and emotional turmoil of learning the hard way.

    Don’t get ‘PLODed!’

    Get out your aviation inspired Relationship Checklist and find the tab for ‘Failing to Fix What She Has Repeatedly Asked You to Fix’.

    Reference the graph for ‘Elapsed Time From When She First Hinted That She’d Like It If You Fixed the Problem’… take your trembling little finger and put it right where ‘Elapsed Time’ crosses with the number of ‘Estimated Number of Requests for Service’ and whalah… you come up with another number.

    It’s called a ‘factor’ but you don’t even need to know what that means.

    We’ve done all the relationship math for you!

    Multiply that factor by any of the other ‘extraneous variables’ listed there… using the handy multiplication table provided… be sure to apply the handicap for ‘attempting a half assed fix’ (which significantly changes the potential outcome of the situation) and then you’ll come up with the name/picture of a domestic beer that you’re undoubtably familiar with…

    Quickly flip to the tab which has the glow in the dark raised print picture of that particular domestic beer on it and you will magically find the perfect solution to bringing back the love and blissful tranquility you once knew before you got ‘PLODed.’

    Do EXACTLY what it says.

    All you gotta add is sincerity and emotional honesty to the ‘solution’ that our extensive studies and proprietary and unique computer algorithm have formulated.

    And forget your hurt feelings tough guy… you do not want to do battle in the ‘emotional warfare’ arena with any woman… because unlike your sorry ass she’s had a lifetime of preparation in that style of warfare and she will annihalate you and decimate you with precision and ungahdly efficiency… you will have yourself a new appreciation of what ‘hurt feelings’ really are if you decide to go that route buddy.


    Just suck it up and do whatever it says on the back of the page with the ‘Pabst Blue Ribbon’ tab.

    It’s that easy.

    Happy All Over Again

    Comment by Viewminder — May 4, 2014 #

  19. ""and find the tab for….", "Quickly flip to the tab…" <—-so funny. You really know how to paint a great mental picture for the reader with your writing.

    It’s so generous of you to share your hard-earned knowledge and to not let your experiences go to waste. But that’s just the kind of guy you are.

    Comment by ~ cynthiak ~ — May 4, 2014 #

  20. If I can help one couple find the true bliss that’s been eluding them because of the man’s propensity to say and do stupid shit…

    then it will all have been worth it.

    The world needs more love.

    I got the inspiration to make up the Viewminder Relationship Institute when I originally wrote the caption for the opening picture on this page…

    when I realized that women were fundamentally more complex than any flying machine that ever took to the heavens.

    When in a ‘Eureka’ moment I realized that the most complex and danger filled thing that my hero-pilot inspiration did that day wasn’t bringing that Beech Bonanza safely to a stop in that little muddy field in one piece after its engine failed…

    it was dealing with his girlfriend after that.

    And he failed to recognize that.

    Then some wires or nuerons or whatever’s in my brain got crossed and I decided to adapt aviation logic and technology to the attempt to actually understand women… since I was already thinkin’ about it and such… in the course of telling the story…

    and it was like a ray of light came down from the heavens and a choir full of angels sang!

    I realized that I had just stumbled onto what could be one of the most important discoveries of our time!

    A discovery that very well could change the world!

    Right now in the labs at the Viewminder Relationship Institute… a bunch of guys in white lab coats are looking at colorful chemicals in glass beakers that they’re swirling around in front of them to look like they’re ‘on to’ something and they are modifying the standard E6B aviation ‘computer’ which is really just a slide rule so that you don’t have to do complex math in the cockpit of an aircraft…

    To be used by men to understand women!


    It’s hard to believe it but in our lifetimes it’s now entirely conceivable that men may finally be given the requisite tools to actually have the chance to understand women.

    And as happy as they will be about that… you and I both know that no one will be happier than women.

    And when women are happy… as beer commercials prove… then everyone is happy.

    Everybody wins the way I see it.

    This could be such a beautiful world.


    Completely Fabricated User Testimonial

    Slow and Easy Friday-Love! ~ Playa's Edition

    ‘Before I found out about the Viewminder Relationship I used to say all kindsa stupid shit to all my bi… girlfriends…

    It was like I knew I was sayin’ somethin’ stupid before it even came outta my mouth but it was like I couldn’t stop no matter how much I knew I should just shut up.

    I knew I hadda problem sayin’ dumb shit but I didn’t think there’d ever be a solution that would work for me.

    It got to the point where I couldn’t even have a talk with my… girlfriend… any more… I was gettin’ PLODed left and right and just not gettin’ the love from my… girlfriend… that I had aspired to.

    My heart was really in it… my goal was always a mutually beneficial symbiotic intimate relationship that was both emotionally and sexually fulfilling for both of us.

    I just never knew what to say or how to respond to a woman in the right way to get it.

    It was like one dead end relationship after another!

    Until one of my friends… who seemed to really do alright with women if you know what I’m sayin’… he told me about his ‘little secret.’

    That’s how I found out about the Viewminder Relationship Institute and now thanks to the deluxe laminated aviation inspired Relationship Checklist with the optional skull and crossbones cover…

    I feel like I’m prepared for any situation.

    Looks cool in the club or in the crib and Sugar Honey Pie loves me for it!

    I’m relating to women with confidence that’s real and the emotional generousity that I had always wanted to show but never could because I was all insecure about saying stupid shit.

    I just wanna thank the Viewminder Relationship Institute for helpin’ a guy out.’


    We all know that there’s no such thing as the perfect guy.

    And I know that the male point of view is always ‘how little do I actually have to do to succeed at whatever it is that I’m doing?’

    You’re the kind of man that reflexively thinks ‘what is the path of least resistance’ in any given situation.

    And that’s cool.

    I feel ya bro.

    I know where you’re comin’ from.

    Maybe I’m an idealist but I’m a realist too.

    It’s like the old proverb says… ‘you don’t gotta outrun the lion… you just gotta outrun the guy next to you.’

    And we both know it’s entirely illogical that you’re the guy next to you.

    The laws of physics dictate that one cannot occupy two different places in the same plane of existence at any given time.

    Or else you could be your own ‘wingman.’

    You see… it’s that ‘science thing’ again.

    Some powerful and fundamentally truthful universal shit.

    THAT is why I feel CONFIDENT in making you this personal guarantee.

    If you purchase and sincerely and diligently apply all of the techniques in the Viewminder Relationship Institute’s deluxe laminated aviation inspired Relationship Checklist, change your oil every three thousand miles on the dot and save the original receipts, if you can’t find and be intimately accepted and work out some kind of mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship that’s emotionally and sexually fulfilling for both you and any woman who’s purchased and read within’ the last sixty days the book pictured above… I will give you all your money back… no questions asked… no strings attached!

    That’s how much I believe that the revolutionary new techniques and information contained in the deluxe laminated aviation inspired Relationship Checklist discovered by the Viewminder Relationship Institute will change your life.

    I guarantee it!

    And if you can findit within you to remove your sorry ass off of that couch and call within the next three or four weeks…

    I’ll even throw in at no additional charge… a one year subscription where you can call our twenty four hour hotline and talk to a real live woman about whatever situation your idiot self got yourself into that is so whack that our proprietary and unique computer algorithm hasn’t even predicted the outcome for.

    You can’t even put a price on that action bro.

    It’s like havin’ a real live real life woman on your side whenever you need the nonjudgemental opinion of a member of a member of the fairer sex.

    What are you waiting for?

    The dude next to you’s been eyin’ up the phone.

    Comment by Viewminder — May 4, 2014 #

  21. [http://www.flickr.com/photos/light_seeker] I am so filled with hope! Do you accept PayPal?

    Comment by ~ cynthiak ~ — May 4, 2014 #

  22. This beautiful chapter has been seen in WRITTEN PAGES.


    Comment by GPMTZ — May 4, 2014 #

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